These days are quiet, calm, and peaceful... Soothing to the weary soul. Lately my circadian rhythm has been completely flipped on itself, so I sleep during the day and find myself up and about at night.
Because of the divorce situation and the retarded amount of money I've been giving the soon to be ex, I didn't have enough money to pay my rent with my end of the month pay, so I bought a 30 year old bottle of scotch and drank half of it in one night. It was a good night.
I'm not too worried about the rent since the only other time I've been late was because of a car accident, and mid month pay comes only three days after rent is due.
Good news came for Andrew - 70% and 70% disability rating as well as a reinstatement to sergeant. That's good. Lord knows he deserves it. His good fortune gives me hope that I'll be out of New York soon.
As I pass the time in my own quiet way, I find myself yearning for the Pacific coast. I miss the smell of salt in the air... Some of the best days of my life were spent just wasting time in the oceanside communities of Northern Oregon. If there was a heaven, it would be like the Pacific Northwest coast, or it wouldn't be worth going to...
I drive a lot these days as well. I enjoy the solitude. As it's nearing the two year anniversery of the death of two good friend, killed in fighting in Afghanistan, I find myself wanting more and more to be away from the Army. I suppose driving helps this.
My nightmares have kicked back up into full gear, unfortunately. They're back with such vivid clarity that sometimes I can't tell if I'm dreaming or not. I suppose I should start taking my psych meds again. But then again, that's just the thing - I lack the clarity of thought that having been sober for almost six months I've come to value so much.
I guess I've come to terms with the fact that I will always suffer from PTSD. However, I refuse to let it rule me. It's funny how I can speak of suffering and inner peace in the same post. But that's just me... A self contradiction.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Thoughts of Better Days
In light of the recent weather, today was remarkable. Easily 70 degrees and partly cloudy. Because of the thunderstorm last night, there was a sultry edge of humidity in the air, reminding me of Florida on a cool day.
After "work," I couldn't just sit around...
So I decided to go along with my customary boredom drive out to Battlefield Park in Sackets Harbor. As I left the city limits of good old Whiskey Tango, the atmosphere of Upstate NY swallowed me whole.
While the winters in this little corner of the nation are decidedly bitter, today was the first time I understood why people would actually want to live here. Driving alone, with just the Dropkick Murphys to keep me company, I was able to take in and truly appreciate the beauty of the landscape.
Once I reached Battlefield Park, I stopped for all of about two minutes. As many hundreds of times as I've been to Sackets Harbor, I've never actually taken the time to venture across the bay to the other village, whose name I did not know. Having nothing but time, and being limited only by the gas in my tank, I decided to go on an adventure. I would find out what was on the other side of the water.
Driving around and bouncing along old country back roads, I rolled my windows down and cranked the music, letting the warm, muggy air wash over me... It's moments like these when I feel I've found some measure of inner peace.
After "work," I couldn't just sit around...
So I decided to go along with my customary boredom drive out to Battlefield Park in Sackets Harbor. As I left the city limits of good old Whiskey Tango, the atmosphere of Upstate NY swallowed me whole.
While the winters in this little corner of the nation are decidedly bitter, today was the first time I understood why people would actually want to live here. Driving alone, with just the Dropkick Murphys to keep me company, I was able to take in and truly appreciate the beauty of the landscape.
Once I reached Battlefield Park, I stopped for all of about two minutes. As many hundreds of times as I've been to Sackets Harbor, I've never actually taken the time to venture across the bay to the other village, whose name I did not know. Having nothing but time, and being limited only by the gas in my tank, I decided to go on an adventure. I would find out what was on the other side of the water.
Driving around and bouncing along old country back roads, I rolled my windows down and cranked the music, letting the warm, muggy air wash over me... It's moments like these when I feel I've found some measure of inner peace.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Burning Bridges
It's been a long time.
A very long time.
So I guess a recap is in order.
In the time since my last post I've returned to the states and nearly finished a medical discharge, been demoted twice, been promoted three times, gotten married, started a divorce, lost a friend to schizophrenia, lost a friend to a drug overdose, fell into a severe drug addiction myself, been to rehab and kicked my habit, gotten to know some of my extended family much better than I ever expected to, alienated my immediate family, made a few life long friends, reconnected with a buddy who I consider to be one of two older brothers that have a closer connection to me than my own blood brother, relearned how to deal with my physical pain, processed much of my own psychological trauma, made and broke plans to take on at least 4 different careers, made the conscious decision to go back to war as a civilian for what I consider to be the right reasons, saw the Dropkick Murphys in Beantown on St. Paddy's Day, learned the ugly truth about the Army's Warrior Transition program, bought my first car, reconnected with an old lover as a friend, sat with a pistol to my head, found my way again, learned that I am my only certainty in life, quit smoking, started smoking again, endeavored to live for my own inner peace, lost my faith in a god, found my own philosophy, and learned to live by the middle way.
That's quite a bit, and I'm not even going to re-read before I post. It's so hard to catch up on the story of a life.
Something should be said about my own ambitions to continue fighting other people's wars, I think. I have no interest in idealism any more. The US will lie out their own asses to 'justify' armed conflict. At this point, those lies mean nothing to me. What does hold sway is the almighty dollar. I'm now making around $40k a year as my service in the Army draws to an end. Once I begin working in the private sector, I will be making $140-180k a year to carry a rifle, babysit a VIP, guard a convoy, stand in a tower, etc.
When the wages are that high, who wouldn't want to go back and do what they've learned to love? I suppose I could go to college... Start all over again and learn a new trade that will take me a full four years to master and have to go through the hassle of working for a miniscule starting salary. Aaand have to deal with the feeling that everything is menial, compared to what I used to do.
On love, I've decided that at 21 it's not wise to try to commit to one woman. I will just enjoy myself for the time being and take life as it comes to me. I don't really want to be attached at this stage in my life. Possibly never again. I'm not speaking with any sense of absolutism, but I learned a lot about myself being married, and I guess I just don't play well with others.
My family is a mild concern. Wrapped up in right-wing conservative Christian bigotry, they just don't seem to understand me (or try to!). I do have respect in some way for each my mother, father, and brother, but goddammit, I don't want to hear about how I'm going to hell for the decisions I've made every time I talk. Whatever. It hurts now, but deciding to cut my ties and with them my losses was a good decision. Healthier for me in the long run. The downside is that I no longer have a base of operations to work out of in Oregon, but I've made the decision to relocate to Phoenix after my employment with the Army comes to an end anyway.
So where am I at today? I am well, I would say. If a person read this blog, they might find it to be a laundry list of complaints. I could see that. I guess this is just a need to articulate (albeit poorly) my own situation. No, the reason why I am now looking at my life with quiet optimism is what I would like to think of as wisdom. I've learned SO MUCH about myself through the trails of the past two years that it's just nuts. Now I find myself at peace.
A very long time.
So I guess a recap is in order.
In the time since my last post I've returned to the states and nearly finished a medical discharge, been demoted twice, been promoted three times, gotten married, started a divorce, lost a friend to schizophrenia, lost a friend to a drug overdose, fell into a severe drug addiction myself, been to rehab and kicked my habit, gotten to know some of my extended family much better than I ever expected to, alienated my immediate family, made a few life long friends, reconnected with a buddy who I consider to be one of two older brothers that have a closer connection to me than my own blood brother, relearned how to deal with my physical pain, processed much of my own psychological trauma, made and broke plans to take on at least 4 different careers, made the conscious decision to go back to war as a civilian for what I consider to be the right reasons, saw the Dropkick Murphys in Beantown on St. Paddy's Day, learned the ugly truth about the Army's Warrior Transition program, bought my first car, reconnected with an old lover as a friend, sat with a pistol to my head, found my way again, learned that I am my only certainty in life, quit smoking, started smoking again, endeavored to live for my own inner peace, lost my faith in a god, found my own philosophy, and learned to live by the middle way.
That's quite a bit, and I'm not even going to re-read before I post. It's so hard to catch up on the story of a life.
Something should be said about my own ambitions to continue fighting other people's wars, I think. I have no interest in idealism any more. The US will lie out their own asses to 'justify' armed conflict. At this point, those lies mean nothing to me. What does hold sway is the almighty dollar. I'm now making around $40k a year as my service in the Army draws to an end. Once I begin working in the private sector, I will be making $140-180k a year to carry a rifle, babysit a VIP, guard a convoy, stand in a tower, etc.
When the wages are that high, who wouldn't want to go back and do what they've learned to love? I suppose I could go to college... Start all over again and learn a new trade that will take me a full four years to master and have to go through the hassle of working for a miniscule starting salary. Aaand have to deal with the feeling that everything is menial, compared to what I used to do.
On love, I've decided that at 21 it's not wise to try to commit to one woman. I will just enjoy myself for the time being and take life as it comes to me. I don't really want to be attached at this stage in my life. Possibly never again. I'm not speaking with any sense of absolutism, but I learned a lot about myself being married, and I guess I just don't play well with others.
My family is a mild concern. Wrapped up in right-wing conservative Christian bigotry, they just don't seem to understand me (or try to!). I do have respect in some way for each my mother, father, and brother, but goddammit, I don't want to hear about how I'm going to hell for the decisions I've made every time I talk. Whatever. It hurts now, but deciding to cut my ties and with them my losses was a good decision. Healthier for me in the long run. The downside is that I no longer have a base of operations to work out of in Oregon, but I've made the decision to relocate to Phoenix after my employment with the Army comes to an end anyway.
So where am I at today? I am well, I would say. If a person read this blog, they might find it to be a laundry list of complaints. I could see that. I guess this is just a need to articulate (albeit poorly) my own situation. No, the reason why I am now looking at my life with quiet optimism is what I would like to think of as wisdom. I've learned SO MUCH about myself through the trails of the past two years that it's just nuts. Now I find myself at peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
