Burning Bridges

It's been a long time.

A very long time.

So I guess a recap is in order.

In the time since my last post I've returned to the states and nearly finished a medical discharge, been demoted twice, been promoted three times, gotten married, started a divorce, lost a friend to schizophrenia, lost a friend to a drug overdose, fell into a severe drug addiction myself, been to rehab and kicked my habit, gotten to know some of my extended family much better than I ever expected to, alienated my immediate family, made a few life long friends, reconnected with a buddy who I consider to be one of two older brothers that have a closer connection to me than my own blood brother, relearned how to deal with my physical pain, processed much of my own psychological trauma, made and broke plans to take on at least 4 different careers, made the conscious decision to go back to war as a civilian for what I consider to be the right reasons, saw the Dropkick Murphys in Beantown on St. Paddy's Day, learned the ugly truth about the Army's Warrior Transition program, bought my first car, reconnected with an old lover as a friend, sat with a pistol to my head, found my way again, learned that I am my only certainty in life, quit smoking, started smoking again, endeavored to live for my own inner peace, lost my faith in a god, found my own philosophy, and learned to live by the middle way.

That's quite a bit, and I'm not even going to re-read before I post. It's so hard to catch up on the story of a life.

Something should be said about my own ambitions to continue fighting other people's wars, I think. I have no interest in idealism any more. The US will lie out their own asses to 'justify' armed conflict. At this point, those lies mean nothing to me. What does hold sway is the almighty dollar. I'm now making around $40k a year as my service in the Army draws to an end. Once I begin working in the private sector, I will be making $140-180k a year to carry a rifle, babysit a VIP, guard a convoy, stand in a tower, etc.

When the wages are that high, who wouldn't want to go back and do what they've learned to love? I suppose I could go to college... Start all over again and learn a new trade that will take me a full four years to master and have to go through the hassle of working for a miniscule starting salary. Aaand have to deal with the feeling that everything is menial, compared to what I used to do.

On love, I've decided that at 21 it's not wise to try to commit to one woman. I will just enjoy myself for the time being and take life as it comes to me. I don't really want to be attached at this stage in my life. Possibly never again. I'm not speaking with any sense of absolutism, but I learned a lot about myself being married, and I guess I just don't play well with others.

My family is a mild concern. Wrapped up in right-wing conservative Christian bigotry, they just don't seem to understand me (or try to!). I do have respect in some way for each my mother, father, and brother, but goddammit, I don't want to hear about how I'm going to hell for the decisions I've made every time I talk. Whatever. It hurts now, but deciding to cut my ties and with them my losses was a good decision. Healthier for me in the long run. The downside is that I no longer have a base of operations to work out of in Oregon, but I've made the decision to relocate to Phoenix after my employment with the Army comes to an end anyway.

So where am I at today? I am well, I would say. If a person read this blog, they might find it to be a laundry list of complaints. I could see that. I guess this is just a need to articulate (albeit poorly) my own situation. No, the reason why I am now looking at my life with quiet optimism is what I would like to think of as wisdom. I've learned SO MUCH about myself through the trails of the past two years that it's just nuts. Now I find myself at peace.